Jonathan's Journal: From the Edge of Grief to a River of Healing

Some stories begin at the edge.  What do you do when the unimaginable happens? For Rebecca Fielding, life changed forever when her younger brother Jonathan fell to his death at the majestic Moonscape Overlook in eastern Utah. 

Out of that loss came Jonathan’s Journal—a simple notebook left at the site of his fall that grew into a movement of letters, art, and stories passed from stranger to stranger, heart to heart. What began as unbearable grief became a rising movement of connection and healing. 

With raw honesty, Rebecca shares:

• The day Jonathan’s fall changed her world forever.
• How grief reshaped her as a sister and daughter.
• The creation and journey of Jonathan’s Journal.
• Why strangers can sometimes carry us through loss.
• How Jonathan’s love became enough to last a lifetime.

Learn more about Jonathan’s story in the CNN feature article, join the Jonathan’s Journal Facebook group, or follow Rebecca’s reflections on Instagram (@throughjonnyseyesphotography) and TikTok (@bonjovisfamclub). You may also view and support her photography project, Through Johnny’s Eyes.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome & Intro: Rebecca’s Story Begins
• 7:58 The Day Everything Changed
• 18:42 Moonscape Overlook & Jonathan’s Legacy
• 28:55 The Birth of Jonathan’s Journal
• 38:33 Finding Healing Through Horses
• 40:17 Letters, Strangers & Shared Grief
• 50:29 When the Journal Became a River
• 59:46 Through Johnny’s Eyes: A Photography Legacy
• 1:09:08 Facing Fear: Rebecca’s Healing Cliff Jump
• 1:16:25 Reflections on Grief, Purpose & Connection

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

What do you do when the person who lit up every room is suddenly gone, when the guilt you never expected collides with silence and an ache that never fades? And how do you turn what feels unbearable into something unforgettable, something that might just save someone else as you fight to save yourself?

Speaker 2: 0:22

Rebecca Fielding has been to that edge, literally and figuratively, after the tragic loss of her brother Jonathan at Moonscape Lookout in eastern Utah. She didn't just grieve, she invited others into their story. What began as a single journal at the site of his fall has become a movement Jonathan's Journal, a lifeline of letters, art and stories passed from stranger to stranger, heart to heart.

Speaker 1: 0:49

Today's conversation isn't only about grief, mental health and healing. It's about what happens when we choose to give pain a purpose, because loss doesn't have to break us. Instead, it offers a choice to shut down or open up, to collapse or create, to walk alone or make space for others traveling the same winding road. Welcome to the PIG, where we explore life, love, loss and legacy through real conversations and meaningful stories, with purpose, intention and gratitude. I'm Kelly and I'm Erin.

Speaker 2: 1:24

We're sisters best friends, sometimes polar opposites, but always deeply connected by the life, love and legacy of the woman Rebecca Fielding to the mic. This is a story of love, of loss and of a sister who turned unimaginable pain into a living, breathing legacy.

Speaker 1: 2:04

Rebecca, welcome to the PIG. It is such a privilege and an honor to have you with us today. Thank you for being here.

Speaker 3: 2:12

Thank you, guys, for having me. I'm really looking forward to this.

Speaker 1: 2:15

Well, it's going to be a really wonderful and beautiful conversation. I know our listeners are going to be touched at a very deep level. I know I was very touched when I first heard about Jonathan's untimely accident and his passing on January 27th of 2024 in eastern Utah. Aaron and I were born and raised in western Colorado, in Grand Junction, which is where I currently live, and so this accident happened not too far from where I live. So this was actually a story that I heard about and knew about at the time but never made the connection, never had any intention of making a connection about this story.

Speaker 1: 3:05

Until very recently I saw a CNN article that was published and we'd love to have you kind of talk about that and share about that article. And I was so moved by the story itself and your story and your journey through it that I reached out and connected. And here we are. We really appreciate you being bold and strong and courageous enough to join Erin and I on the PIG today and to share your story, jonathan's story, with our listeners. So to get started, let's just talk a little bit about you and Jonathan and your family and how you grew up, and then we'll kind of move into what happened on that fateful day in January.

Speaker 3: 3:52

Okay, so a little bit about me and my family and just a background of who we all are. So my family is originally from Utah. My parents grew up there. They met, fell in love, got married, had my two older sisters. Then they moved our family out to Missouri, where I was born, and then I had three more siblings born Jonathan and Caitlin and Michelle, in that order and we just lived out here for a long time. Every single year we'd go back to Utah to visit family that we had out there. We were siblings, we had our squabbles and stuff out there.

Speaker 1: 4:27

Um, we were siblings. Uh, we had our squabbles and stuff. It sounds like jonathan was the only boy in a collection of girls and he was in the middle yeah, sandwiched right there.

Speaker 3: 4:35

Um, it's a miracle that he survived. I don't know how he did it and I think that's part of the reason why he turned out to be such a cool dude and so chill, because he had three older sisters and two younger sisters and there was just so much chaos going on and all the girl drama that he had to be the solid one, he had to be the calm one, the same person out of all of us. Yeah, growing up he was always just this really cool little guy, always super sweet. There was one period where he had a mean streak where he decided he didn't want to be nice anymore. He decided that he wanted to just be mean and evil, and so for three days straight he was extremely mean to me. He beat me up so much. He was a little kid and I'm like two years older than him, but he gave me three bloody noses in three days and it got to the point where my mom was getting concerned, like she was thinking, oh my gosh, I have a little psychopath on my hand.

Speaker 3: 5:31

But then at the end of the three days he came up to her and said, mom, I don't want to be mean anymore. And then after that he was just the nicest guy you'd ever meet.

Speaker 2: 5:39

Oh, that's sweet.

Speaker 1: 5:41

How old were you all when that little mean streak showed up in Jonathan?

Speaker 3: 5:48

He was probably like four years old, wow.

Speaker 2: 5:50

Like.

Speaker 3: 5:51

I was probably five or six, he was three or four, and that's just when it showed up because he was just tired of being the nice one in the family. So he thought he just had to turn up being the mean one. And then he decided not for him, realized it wasn't worth the effort, but he just wanted to be a nice guy.

Speaker 1: 6:08

When you think back about those early years with your family and Jonathan as a little boy, what really stands out to you?

Speaker 3: 6:18

Me and our family have our differences on it, but the way I see it, the way I remember my childhood, is that we had two parents who tried their best and they were alone here in Missouri. They didn't have anyone helping them and they had six kids and no idea what they were doing Trying to raise family, trying to do jobs and paper house and all that. And I just remember all the good stuff. I remember playing with my siblings out in the yard. I remember the old house we used to live in. I remember all the good times. I remember chasing fireflies.

Speaker 3: 6:51

Um, we did have some issues growing up. A lot of us in my family do have mental health issues myself, including myself especially but I just remember a lot of good stuff with our childhood. And I remember all of our Utah trips, all the times we'd go to like our national park or go visit our grandparents, and I just remember Jonathan just always being there, being like the home one in all of us. We'd hit our bikes and stuff, but ultimately he just made sure everyone was always included, even from a young age.

Speaker 2: 7:21

I love that. Did he play any sports or what was he into activity wise? What were some of the things that he liked to do as a child?

Speaker 3: 7:32

So he was very into sports. He liked doing active stuff. He did a little bit of track and field, particularly in high school. He actually ended up going to state for the thing where you go and jump over the pole. Oh yeah, pole vaulting, yeah, pole vaulting, yeah. So our grandpa he was actually like a state champion when he was a young kid. And so Jonathan took up pole vaulting because he wanted to be like a grandpa and he had a lot of fun with it. He went to state. So that was one thing he did. And when he was in middle school I believe it was he really started getting getting into photography. He had done it for, like this boy scout award badge thing and then after he finished the project, he just kept on doing it and that kind of really shaped who he was. He really became like the photographer of the area. He was always out taking pictures of people, always had his camera with him, just always practicing and getting better.

Speaker 1: 8:27

That actually leads us to the day that your family's life changed forever Because, as I, yeah.

Speaker 3: 8:47

So he had moved out to Utah because he was trying to get his, his place in the world. He's trying to figure out where he fit in. And he had gotten hired at this company they do door to door salesmen stuff called the grid, they sell pest control. And so Jonathan joined them and, yeah, he had moved out there. He had been living out there for about six months. Suddenly less than a year, and it was the off season and they were just getting ready to go down to Texas to start their next gig. And so Jonathan went with two friends out to a place in Southeastern Utah called Moonscape Overlook, and he was out there doing photography with his friends and that's when he had his accident.

Speaker 1: 9:25

Do you feel comfortable explaining to us what happened to that day?

Speaker 3: 9:36

Yeah for sure. So I wasn't there. I don't have firsthand accounts. Really. I talked to one of the guys who was there and he gave me like a description of what happens.

Speaker 3: 9:41

They had driven their truck over to the side so it went over like um, it's like a peninsula in the sky, almost so it's like this outcropping of the big rocks and cliffs, and then it's just open views all around, so it's almost 360 views with factory view right behind it. And so they had driven their truck to kind of near the edge. They were getting cool pictures of it and jonathan was getting pictures of one of the friends he was with. He had his camera up and he was very focused in the zone and he was getting closer and closer to the edge, backing up because he was trying to get that right perfect angle, because he was just so in the zone with that. And his friend said hey, jonathan, you're getting too close, or something like that, said Jonathan, watch out, you're right on the edge.

Speaker 3: 10:24

And so jonathan put his foot back to get his balance to step forward and there wasn't anything there, his foot, just the rocks there.

Speaker 3: 10:33

It's just all shale and just very loose and just dirt and all those rocks and so put his foot down and he slipped and he fell and he managed to catch himself when he first fell and he was holding a limb and one of the friends he was with who was looking at him when it happened, he ran over to try to pull him up and Jonathan couldn't hold on any longer and he let go and he fell. He fell 150 feet and hit the sandy embankment. And then he fell another 150 feet and hit like the sandy embankment and then he fell another 150 feet and so the two guys they ran over and the one who was at the trap at the time tried climbing down there to save him because they thought he was still breathing. And he got about five to ten feet down and then the other guy grabbed him and was like, hey, no, you can't do that, you're gonna die. And so they went back up and called 9-1-1. Do you guys want me to get into how I found out about it?

Speaker 2: 11:28

If you're comfortable sharing, yeah.

Speaker 3: 11:31

Sorry, getting a little shaky there. It's okay, this isn't something I've really talked about a whole lot with people. I talked with my therapist about it, told her about exactly what happened and I told a couple of family members, but I've never actually just sat down and gone through exactly how I found out. Um, so at the time I was in St Louis, about three, four hours away from my house, because I was at a horse thing, a clinic, um, like a convention. I was learning things there and at the time I was at an Airbnb by myself because my friend who was with me had to leave early because her dog got sick and so I was home at the Airbnb alone. I wasn't sober, I was a little high and in some ways I think that was better, in some ways I think it was worse. But I was just vibing along on my phone when I got this text. It was from my dad and he said that Jonathan was in a hiking accident and fell in Moab, utah because we thought it was Moab at the time and that he didn't know anything and that there was a helicopter in the way.

Speaker 3: 12:35

This happened around 5 o'clock my time, 4 o'clock Utah time, and in that moment. It took me five whole minutes for that text to really set in because, like I said, I was high and it didn't feel real Like. From that moment on, everything just felt indescribable. It was surreal. So I was staring at my phone. It took a long time for me to actually comprehend what it was saying and I just remember I started breathing faster and started panicking, freaking out really. And so rationally I knew I couldn't just call my dad because he wouldn't know anything yet, and so I waited as long as I could. And then I called my sister and asked her if she knew anything, and she didn't. She was freaking out too, and so I got off the phone with her and I just waited and waited and waited and in that time so many things went through my head.

Speaker 3: 13:24

One of the very first thoughts I had after I realized that this was real, that I wasn't just seeing anything but this was actually happening one of the first thoughts I had was Jonathan's gonna be just fine. Like nothing ever happens to Jonathan. He never gets hurt. Nothing bad ever happens to this kid. He's just gonna call me back in like an hour and be laughing about this. We're just going to think it's so funny. And then I got started thinking more, and the next thought I had after that was, if he was in a serious accident and if he was seriously hurt and if he was paralyzed, that I hope he didn't survive, because for someone like Jonathan, being paralyzed and being like in a vegetative state, that would have been way worse than death. He would never be who he was again and that would just destroy him as a person, and so I hope that for his sake, that even if it was just for a second I thought this. I did hope that he was gone and that he wasn't in pain.

Speaker 3: 14:20

If what happened was serious, and so that was just for a fleeting second, that's and then I just completely brushed that off and it's like again just, it's jonathan, nothing bad will ever happen to this kid, there's no way. And so then I got started thinking um, I I was like in my head, running through scenarios. I was like, okay, so I'm gonna go out to utah and he's gonna be like in the hospital because he got a little bit banged up and I'm going to go see him in the hospital. I'm going to tell him what an idiot he is. We're always getting so close to the edge and always taking risks around cliffs and doing dangerous stuff.

Speaker 3: 14:52

And then I started calling people to like friends and my work, to tell them that I wasn't coming in. I was going out to Utah to go see my brother. And so my friend who had left earlier that day because she had to go home because of her sick dog. I had called her and told her what was going on. And she's like hey, okay, I'm going to stop at this dispensary here in Missouri, we'll get him some good pain relievers. And she's like okay, I'm coming back to get you so I can take you to the airport. So for about 45 minutes I was just in that Airbnb by myself, making plans to go out. Not knowing what was going on, having absolutely no idea what in the world was happening, I managed to call my mom and she told me that they were getting the car ready to drive out to Utah. So after I called her, it was about another 10, 15, 20 minutes that I was alone and I wasn't calling or texting anyone. And I got out my phone and I started texting Jonathan.

Speaker 3: 15:46

I'm going to pull it up so I can remember just what exactly I said, started texting him and I said that sydney's getting you some gummy worms from the dispensary. Um, we're going to have so much fun talking about crazy theories of the universe. We're going to watch the rest of the prissy jackson tv show and we're going to eat more blue food while doing it. I'm going to get us some more eggnog and use an entire bottle of sugar sprinkles to diet blue. I'm going to stop this show every couple of minutes to screech about things I recognize from the books Me and you are going to go back to the wedge. We're going to get up at 3am to see the stars and watch the sunrise. I'm going to be asking if you're having fun a billion times and you're going to get annoyed over it. We're going to eat pad thai and you're going to order spicy, and I'll tell you that's a bad idea. And that's where my text cut off, because I got a call from my dad and I remember exactly where I was. I was sitting on a couch staring at the wall and his name popped up and I hit send on that text. But dad called and to this day, it's just. I can still still hear it like every single time I think about it.

Speaker 3: 16:46

I'm, I'm back in that moment and I can just hear exactly how he said it. He said he's gone, he's dead, and in that moment, um, it's just indescribable. I will never be able to describe that feeling that I had that day. Um, I screamed. It took me a second and I just screamed.

Speaker 3: 17:06

And I don't remember basically anything after that. I don't remember hanging up the phone. I just remember sitting there, dropping the phone and then just staring at the wall and I don't know how long I sat there. Eventually, I know I texted or called my friend Sydney, who was coming back to pick me up, take me to the airport, and I told her that he was gone. And then I just remember sitting in that house staring at that wall and just the sheer shock of it, like it was incomprehensible to me that my little brother was gone. Yeah, and I have cried in front of people about what happened. I've cried about his death in front of people probably four times and I haven't cried about his death in front of anyone in over a year. In that moment my world just imploded and nothing was ever the same. Thank you.

Speaker 2: 18:34

I'm really grateful that we have provided a safe space for you to share and to open up and to cry and to laugh.

Speaker 2: 18:45

We want this to be a place where it's all okay, all of it. We want you to feel everything that you want to feel. We talk so often about grief on this podcast and how different everybody's grief journey is, and so I just really wholeheartedly don't want you to feel bad or embarrassed or like you have to not let it all come to the surface. I just really want you to know that this is a safe space and for me, I just feel like I just got such a beautiful picture of who Jonathan was as a child, even growing up, and you just created such a perfect vision of what your household was like and Jonathan being sandwiched in the middle of all of these girls. So I just really want you to know that I'm grateful for everything that you've shared and everything that you'll continue to share. I just want to make sure that you know that this is a space for whatever you need it to be. You know, for me, I and maybe you're going to talk about this I just look forward to hearing more about the relationship specifically that the two of you had seems very unique and very special.

Speaker 2: 20:11

You know that's a lot of siblings, right. That's a lot of personalities, a lot of moving parts, and so I'm really interested to know about Jonathan's relationship as well, with some of the older and younger sisters as well. But it sounds like the two of you had a really strong, unique bond and relationship, and I'd love to hear more about some of that as well.

Speaker 3: 20:40

Yeah, definitely Jonathan, two years younger than me. We were fighting before he was even born. I would be like laying with my mom or laying against my mom and I'd feel him kicking and so I would start punching her stomach back because I was like, hey, he's kicking me, so I got to, got to fight it back. So, yeah, before he was even born, me and him were going at it a little bit. Before he was even born, me and him were going at it a little bit. But growing up I'm autistic, I am on the spectrum and it it is harder for me to be around people and talk to people and just have conversations. I've gotten a whole lot better over the years. I'm still pretty much recluse, I would say, but jonathan, he's just always there. I didn't even call him my best friend because he was more than that he's my little brother.

Speaker 3: 21:24

Our relationship really got better and we got closer. The older he got and older I got, he was always the one I was texting. He was always the one who would respond back to me. When I texted to give you an idea of who he was to me Around Christmas time of 2023, I realized that I was always texting people and staying in contact with them, but no one was putting in the effort to contact me back or like to message me first, and so around Christmas I was like I'm just going to go into, not text anyone, and see who messages me and like checks in on me. And Jonathan was the only one who did. It took about two weeks because he was traveling back to Utah and getting busy, being busy and getting ready to go out to Texas, but he was the first person to message me and be like hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. I just wanted to make sure you're okay.

Speaker 2: 22:11

So he kind of like won the race for that.

Speaker 3: 22:13

But that's just who he was. He was the woman who checked in on me, who made sure I was okay and then, once I explained to him, I was waiting to see who was going to message me and I told him that I was kind of bummed out that no one else in the family had reached out to me. He called every member of the family who talks to me still and was like hey, you need to check her phone, rebecca. You guys never talked to her. And one of the last texts in the last conversation jonathan ever had with my older sister, michaela, was talking about how he wanted her to check in with me more and he wanted her to make sure I was okay. Because she still lives out here and he could, she could see me more, and that just gives you an idea of who Jonathan was. He just wanted to make sure that everyone around him was okay and taken care of. And another good example of just how our relationship was was the November before he died, so November of 2023.

Speaker 3: 23:04

I went out to Utah on one of my trips because I travel a lot, and I went out and met him in Emory County, where our grandparents live, so we could go out to the desert and go camping and go see cool stuff out there. And so that night, like I was worried that he wasn't having fun because I knew he had cooler friends up in Utah. And so I was like, hey, if there's anything you want to do, if you don't want to do this, it's fine, you can go. But he turned to me and he said, rebecca, I don't care what we're doing, I just am happy to be spending time with you, and that's just again.

Speaker 3: 23:33

Jonathan was in the moment. You were the only person who mattered to him. He just made sure that you were loved and made sure that you knew that he was there for you and that he cared about you and that you were important to him. So, yeah, we had, we had a good relationship. He was a cool little brother. Um, we had a lot of inside jokes. He had a great sense of humor. One thing that kind of got me in trouble since he died is my dark humor jokes, because jonathan was the one who I would send all my dark humor jokes to, and he was the only one in the family who bought them.

Speaker 3: 24:02

And so now, uh, I go. I try to tell other people my jokes. I'm like, hey, this thing, and they're like that's super morbid. You shouldn't say that, you know, jonathan would have loved that yeah, he would have understood it and he had a great sense of dark humor. Like most people didn't get to see it because he was always the like golden child and, uh, the outgoing kid and the one who was super kind. But yeah, he had a really good sense of dark humor, yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:31

It sounds like the two of you had such an incredible bond, which is something that we obviously get and understand, because we know how important that sibling relationship is. And there are moments where siblings don't get along and don't see eye to eye and have their differences, especially, you know, with age gaps. But there's nothing quite like the love that comes from a sibling and, as an older sister to a younger sister, to an older sister of a younger brother, Having a younger sibling and I hear this as you describe Jonathan is such an incredible gift and it sounds like as much of a gift as he was to you. You were also an incredible gift to him and he truly recognized that and that's a beautiful legacy for you to have and to hold on to. You know, as you navigate the days, weeks, months and years without Jonathan by your side, but still in your heart, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 3: 25:50

I'm so lucky that he was my brother, and one thing that has got me through some of the worst moments of this past year, like family drama and stuff, was that in October of last year, out of the blue, he just messaged me and he was like hey, I can't talk right now on the phone. I can't talk on the phone right now, but I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you and how much I love you and that I see how you've been growing as a person and I am just so proud to be your brother and I love you so much and that text. It made me realize a lot of things in the past year and it is something that, above all else, I will hold for the rest of my life, Because I said this to my mom at one point. I said Jonathan was only a part of my life for about 19 to 20 years, If you want to count the time we were fighting when he wasn't born yet.

Speaker 3: 26:40

So 20 years of count back two decades, and I said Jonathan was only part of my life for a short time, but that's okay, because the love that he had for me in that time was enough to last an entire lifetime. And it really is, because, yeah, I only got to know him for a short amount of time, but just the sheer love he had for me, that is something that will last forever and it is something that I will hold on to forever and something that has gotten me through some of the worst moments of all of this, Rebecca.

Speaker 2: 27:08

That's really beautiful. I love that. Enough love to last another lifetime Really Right. Yeah, that's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. Enough love to last another lifetime Really right. Yeah, that's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 1: 27:20

And really all we can hope for right in the life that we are living and the love that we are giving. I'm going to hold on to that because I want the people in my life and the people that I just meet and come across to know that, no matter what, they were cared for and they were loved for exactly who they are in this lifetime, and I think that that's all that any of us ultimately want in the end is to be cared for and loved for exactly who we are. And I know from some of the things that you've shared and what I've read and we'll talk about that that's been a real journey for you as well, rebecca, having to come face to face with this extraordinary, very tragic and very sudden loss. So, if we go back to the day that you got the news about Jonathan and started your journey to Utah, what was happening inside of you as you made that trek back to Utah?

Speaker 3: 28:33

I knew I wanted to go to the place where he died. Back to Utah, I knew I wanted to go to the place where he died. I was not in a good place mentally, like I just lost my brother, and then me and my siblings started fighting a bit because before I left Missouri, my sister I love my sister she did her absolute best with Jonathan's funeral and like that is something that no sibling should ever have to do. But she planned Jonathan's funeral funeral. She got everything set up. She was the go-between person, um, to make sure everything was going to be set up.

Speaker 3: 29:01

But one thing that just happened uh, it was an unopened comment, like she was just in the moment and like trying to figure things out and absolutely nothing against her for this but she said that I probably wouldn't be able to speak at his funeral because there wouldn't be enough time for me. And that was something that absolutely hurt because looking back I know it's not what she meant, but in the moment what I felt was that you are not important enough to Jonathan to speak at his funeral to say goodbye to him, essentially to represent who he was, and that was just really devastating for me.

Speaker 3: 29:35

So I was going out to Utah with that in my head and then, the farther out I got to Utah. Another issue that I've had with everything that's happened was my family is Mormon and I am not, and Jonathan was not, and they were planning a very Mormon funeral and that was something that I was clashing with, because I didn't agree with that because Jonathan had left the church at that point, and with because I didn't agree with that because Jonathan had left the church at that point. Mormon funerals they're not really funerals, they're more like church services, and I didn't think that was very respectful to him. My parents they thought it was the most respectful thing they could do. A clash of opinions and beliefs Sure, well, that's what I was kind of dealing with going out Like I just lost my brother and then I was dealing with all this religious stuff that was happening and.

Speaker 3: 30:15

I was dealing with, uh, like my before I left, my dad said to all of us kids that we will see Jonathan again and that this isn't forever, that we'll see him in another lifetime, that he's not gone forever. And that was one thing that just like absolutely devastated me, like when he said that I just I couldn't handle it. I ran out of the the room and ran down to the basement of this house actually and just went to a bedroom and just locked the door and cried, because it felt like I was the outsider. It felt like everyone else was grieving together, kind of, and then I was grieving by myself and it felt like I was the only one actually grieving him, because then my parents were saying that we were going to see him again and I felt like I was being left out of that and because there my parents were saying that we were going to see him again and I felt like I was being looked out at that and it wasn't fair that I didn't get to have that belief. So that's what was going through my head that I was alone, that I was never going to see my brother, that my person was gone, that the person who cared about me the most I could always rely on was never going to be there ever again.

Speaker 3: 31:10

So then, as I was driving out to Utah, I was in Colorado, close to the Utah border. And then, as I was driving out to Utah, I was in Colorado, close to the Utah border, and I was just driving to Southern Utah because that's where I knew the general area was where it happened, and I was just like, okay, someone's going to tell me the place eventually. And so my mom found out the place and she called me and she told me it was Moonscape Overlook. And in that moment my world was shattered again, because Moonscape Overlook was a place that I told Jonathan he should go to again.

Speaker 3: 31:37

Because moonscape overlook was a place that I told Jonathan he should go to, I told him that before he left Utah to go to Texas for his salesmanship gig, that he should go there because it's super pretty. And I discovered on my way out there that I was the reason why he was there and that he probably wouldn't have been at that place that day if it weren't for me and he probably wouldn't have died if it wasn't for what I told him. And so going out there, I just I was very angry, I was very alone and I was very angry at myself and I felt a lot of guilt, and so that's kind of what was going through my head as I was traveling out there.

Speaker 1: 32:06

That's a lot of weight to carry for a sister. At the same time, I honor your feelings. I honor your feelings because I can imagine that it was hard to realize that the place where he misstepped was the place where you encouraged him to go look and see the world, and it wound up being a very dark day and a day that changed everything. So how did you take all of those feelings and get to that spot where he was at? Because some really beautiful things happened to you and with Jonathan once you finally arrived at Moonscape Overlook.

Speaker 3: 32:57

Yeah. So when I got there, of course I was feeling terrible, but I drove down the road, called my dad. He gave me the number of the guy who was with Jonathan. He described the area where the spot was, and so I was able to find it and he described what happened. So I had like a visual, looking at the place while he's describing it. He described what happened. So I had like a visual. I was like looking at the place while he was describing it and he described what happened. So I knew kind of what happened. And so I went to the spot where the exact spot where he fell, and I sat there at the cliff and I sat on the edge.

Speaker 3: 33:25

While I was there I could not cry. I sat on that ledge for about six hours and I couldn't make myself cry. I had felt so many emotions in the past day and I'm still feeling all those emotions, but I just couldn't let them out and like I couldn't process them really. And so I'm sitting on that cliff. I just didn't want to be in a world without him and I could not imagine living in a world without Jonathan and I couldn't imagine ever leaving that place and going on with my life and I didn't see how my life could continue place and going on with my life, and I didn't see how my life could continue because he was my person and he just wasn't there anymore and I just couldn't comprehend that and I didn't want to be in the world without him. So, sitting on that edge, I've struggled with suicidal ideation in the past, growing up as like a teenager and stuff, depression and stuff but in that moment I haven't talked about this before either, so I don't really know how to get it into the right words. Like I briefly mentioned it to people just brushed over it like oh yeah, I wanted to kill myself out at the edge. I was planning on it, but sitting on the ledge, I was just looking down and I just thought it would be. It was the only option in that moment to follow them down and kill myself there. And I actually got pretty close to doing it. I was right on the edge with my legs dangling off and as I was sitting there, this, all of a sudden it's so cliche and it's like something out of a movie but in that moment the crowds parted and the sun came down on my back and it felt like someone was behind me hugging me and I just started crying. After six hours I finally was able to start crying and that was kind of the release I needed and it gave me a bit of clarity in that moment. So I got off the edge and I backed off a little bit.

Speaker 3: 35:10

I had brought a journal and before I had been ready to jump I had written down some things in the first few pages of the journal like a goodbye note, pretty much just very short. And so I picked up the journal and I ripped out the two pages and just pulled them up and later threw them away. But I wrote in the journal a little description of who Jonathan was. I wrote Jonathan Fielding, and then his date of birth and his date of death and a brother who was too good for this world, a friend who loved all just stuff like that. And then at the end of it I wrote a man who left a Grand Canyon-sized mark on this world when he left. And then I just put the journal down right where he fell and got up and walked back to my car and drove to my grandparents' house, and so that's what happened out there on the edge.

Speaker 2: 36:09

Wow, there's so much to your life summed up in those moments and I can only imagine how you felt in that place in that moment, in that time, reflecting on your life and Jonathan's life, and my heart honestly breaks for the struggle that you had to go through in that moment and the questionings and the anger and the fear and the sadness and just all of the things.

Speaker 2: 36:37

And at the same time, I'm so grateful that, as broken as your heart was in that moment, that when the clouds broke and that sun peeked through, it's almost like I just got this visual of that sun just shining through the broken places in your own heart and just filling them with light and goodness and warmth and security and all of the things that you described and that I picture. When I feel about how that sunshine feels on my back, it does feel like a warm hug and I just love that you were given exactly what you needed in that moment so that you could just make a decision that ultimately will honor yourself and your brother's life beyond anything you could have imagined in that moment, because you made that choice and I'm just grateful that you did. Thank you for sharing those really tender moments with us. I'm really deeply touched by that.

Speaker 1: 38:32

It truly does mean a lot to us, rebecca, that you feel the safety in this space to have a real vulnerable conversation, and part of that vulnerability is your personal journey as a woman to even get to that point, and so I think a little bit of background about you know where you were at in your life when you lost Jonathan will really set the stage for some of the extraordinary things that have come since. You sat on the edge of that cliff, got the warm hug from the sun and have turned this tragedy into some really incredible triumph, not just in your life, but in the lives of other people too.

Speaker 3: 39:27

Yeah, I was in a really, really good place when it happened. I was finally getting out of my depression because I struggled with it a lot as a teenager. I had a job that I really loved. I had horses. At the time I had three horses and as a kid, that's all I had ever wanted. And so, yeah, I had Joby, avicii and Huron, my three girls. I love them very much and was starting to travel um just in 2023.

Speaker 3: 39:56

That was when the first times I actually had like my first real traveling experiences. I had gone on two trips that year. The first time was in june. I had gone down to the grand canyon and then I had just traveled to a bunch of national parks. I slept in my car for a lot of the nights, just solo, traveled throughout the united states, went up up to utah, then came back home, then in november again went out, again went and saw jonathan out in emory county utah, then just traveled around the state, went to a bunch of national parks, had a great time.

Speaker 3: 40:24

I had a tiktok that was doing really well. I did tiktoks with my horses and I did like dark humor stuff. That was not very, very popular for a while and I had some friends. Like for the first time in my life I had true friends and I was just doing really good. The time in January I had been planning on getting a Mustang for my birthday in February and I had been planning on completing the childhood dream of getting a wild Mustang and taming it and just riding off into the sunset. Essentially, everything was looking so good, and one thing that, again, it's so poetic, looking back, was about a week or two before Jonathan died. I had posted a TikTok where in it I listed out all those good things that were happening in my life and I said at the end of it life is good. And then a week later, my world was completely shattered and I think that's, in a way, very poetic or foreshadowing, or whatever.

Speaker 1: 41:21

You had been in a horseback riding accident in 2022. Is that correct?

Speaker 3: 41:27

Yeah. So in 2022, I was out riding my horse with a friend on the trails and we got attacked by a loose dog and in the chaos of the dog coming after us, I came off and I was seriously hurt. I had a severe internal bleeding and well bad internal bleeding. Um, my spleen was almost ripped in half. I had a torn stomach, I had a broken wrist, I had a concussion and I came pretty close to dying. So I had been taken to the hospital in the ambulance and my parents were there and I was joking around with dying. So I had been taken to the hospital in the ambulance and my parents were there and I was joking around with them. I was like oh, I could have died.

Speaker 3: 42:00

And then my parents stepped out of the room for a minute to make a call and when the doctor came in, the doctor was like, hey, you really need to start taking this seriously because there is a good chance you could actually die from these injuries, and that kind of just blew my mind. I was like die from these injuries. And that kind of just blew my mind. I was like, oh shoot, I could actually die from this. Yeah. So I was in the PCU for about five days. I made them discharge me early because I didn't want to be in the PCU anymore. My parents were extremely worried. My mom told me later that she was sitting up at night, worried that I was bleeding out at my house because I was too stubborn to stay in the hospital and it took three weeks of bed rest before I was able to get up and really do things.

Speaker 3: 42:40

But a little funny thing too is that about a week after I got home I should not have done this Terrible idea on my part, but I could barely walk. I had my broken wrist and everything. But I went out to the barn and I got my horse and I got my saddle and I tried saddling my horse Couldn't do it. One of the other ladies at the barn. She saw me struggling so she helped me saddle my horse because she's like this girl's going to get herself killed because I'm still bleeding internally, mind you, and so I was terrified. But I was like I'm getting on my horse. And I did. I got on my horse, I walked her around for a single lap, got off, went home, felt like shit. I was in so much pain, but I just needed to prove to myself that I could do it and I did.

Speaker 1: 43:22

Oh, it's probably so good for you emotionally too right To get back on the horse.

Speaker 3: 43:28

Yeah, literally get back on the horse.

Speaker 1: 43:38

Yes, and Erin knows this. I almost called you Lily. Lily is my daughter and I call Lily Aaron and Aaron Lily all the time. But Aaron knows this. My husband and I and I've shared with you are passionate horse enthusiasts and lovers and so I love that you have your wild horse. You know one of the things about horses and I loved that part of your story and how passionate you are about horses. And I know that you bought and rebuilt and fixed up an old, damaged Jeep and got into mechanical repair and would love to hear how emotionally healing all of that was for you. But horses are incredible in the sense of their knowing and their understanding by just a look in your eyes.

Speaker 3: 44:21

Yeah, it is pretty magical Horses. They can sense a lot of things about humans, they can hear your heartbeat and so they know when you're upset, they know when you're angry. So with my Mustang, I had gotten her about two weeks after jonathan died um, I was supposed to get her for my birthday pushed it back a week and halter breaking her and getting her tame. I actually had a moment like amy from heartland, amy fleming from heartland you know this, the movies, the tv show, she's this like magical horse whisperer has all these connections with horses. But I was lunging brent, my mustang, in the round pen and I was just. I was feeling really angry and frustrated because I had been dealing with Jonathan's death and I was just, couldn't really process my emotions. But I was lunging her and I was upset because I couldn't get her to do what I wanted, and so it was exactly like this moment from the first season of Heartland where.

Speaker 3: 45:10

Amy is lunging Spartan the horse because Amy's mom had died getting that horse and Amy had been with her and Amy had been feeling all that guilt from her mom's death and she was angry with this horse because the horse just wanted to do what she wanted and she couldn't connect with the horse and so she was lunging Spartan in the round pen and she started yelling at him and crying and had a release of emotions and that's when they had their joint up and that's when they connected and with bren it was. It was cinematic really, it was. It happened almost the same way.

Speaker 3: 45:40

I had her in the arena in the round pen and I was lunging her and I just started yelling at her uh, yelling at her about how frustrated I was and why can't you just do this and why does this have to be this way? And then I just started crying and eventually she came to a stop and looked at me. So I was just standing there crying and then she walked over to me and this was the first time she like really accepted my touching, kind of just nuzzled me and I hugged her for the first time and just cried into her mane and it was again a release of emotion that I needed, the same that I felt at Moon overlook, when I thought that song me um and so in that moment that was really healing for me and something that I just really needed.

Speaker 1: 46:21

It's a really, really special moment that you had and I love that she held that space for you to release your emotions and to be that strong presence for you to just let go.

Speaker 3: 46:38

Yeah, she was really what I needed and she's an incredible voice and I love her so much and in a way I feel feel like so I don't really believe that Jonathan's so open necessarily in the sense that, oh, he's a ghost. But if it wasn't for Jonathan, I would never have met this horse and I wouldn't have healed in that way. And I think that's one of the last gifts Jonathan had for me was setting my life on a path where I could meet this horse, and it feels like she was sent from the universal most to be there for me was setting my life on a path where I could meet this horse, and it feels like she was sent from the universal most to be there for me when I needed her the most. That's really special.

Speaker 2: 47:12

That's incredible. I would love to. This might seem like a hard right turn, so Kelly will rein me in if I need to be reined in, but it's so beautiful to hear you talk about kind of who that horse was in your life and giving you that place to just be and cry and comfort you in that way. I am really fascinated by this journal, jonathan's journal, and so I would really love to talk, if we can, about and I don't know how we necessarily want to transition into that conversation or if there's certain things that we need to talk about beforehand. But you know we've shared so much about Jonathan and who he is and his impact on this world when he was in it.

Speaker 2: 48:14

And then you did this really beautiful thing where you went to that site and we've talked about the sun breaking through the clouds and how life changed for you in that moment and gave you that clarity and strength to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. But the journal then did its own pivot and became something different. Can you talk us through the journey of the actual journal and I feel like it could almost be its own episode, the journal journey but I would love to just hear from you kind of what happened next with that journal and give us a little bit of insight into kind of where it's been and some of the stories that have come from it and how it even came to be yes.

Speaker 3: 49:12

Yeah for sure. So the journal. My dad had given each of us kids a little journal at Christmas time, which was the last time we ever saw Jonathan. Yeah, he gave us all a little journal and I just happened to grab it on my way out the door heading out to Utah after he died, and so I had written that little thing on the front of it to basically describe who Jonathan was a little bit. And then I just left it there because I was angry because there was nothing there showing what happened. I felt like my life was just torn apart completely and there was nothing to show for it. There was nothing. There were footprints in the dirt. If you look close enough, you could see where his body landed in the dirt below. But that was it. And so I left the journal there, just because I wanted people to know and I wanted my siblings who were coming out later to know where the spot was. So I left it there and then I just didn't think about it at all, went on with my life, uh, and then in april I went back to the spot with my mom and the journal. I had gotten a little worn and I had seen that people had written little notes in it with written notes to like jonathan, being like I feel you here, I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry that you lost your life here. Um, this world was beautiful and so it had gotten worn and so I brought a second one out, just that I just happened to have. So I replaced it and wrote another inscription of like what happened there and I wrote Jonathan's name and stuff.

Speaker 3: 50:32

Then a while later it was in June or July, I think it was closer to July, closer to July and August I had randomly gotten a message on Facebook from a lady named Cher Joy and she said me and my friend found this journal. It's not at Moon Overlook anymore, it's a ways away. She sent me pictures of it and sent me things that people had written in it, and it was just beautiful things. People had written some of the like the most heartbreaking, beautiful things I've ever read in my life. And the first entry described being like.

Speaker 3: 51:06

What happened was there was this nomad who had been at moon overlook and he had picked up the journal thinking it was just like something someone left behind and it wasn't supposed to be there, and it wasn't until he got down the road a ways that he opened it up and read it and realized what it was, and so he wrote down how he accidentally took the journal and then wrote a message in it, something along the lines of maybe Jonathan can go on another journey or maybe someone else can find this journal and continue traveling with it.

Speaker 3: 51:33

And they did. People kept finding the journal and they kept writing in it and it just kept traveling and traveling until Sherry ended up finding it and messaged me about it, and so I thought that was super cool and so did she, and she suggested making a Facebook group so people could track the journal and see where it's gone. And so we did, and I made a TikTok about it, and the TikTok ended up going viral and people started sharing his journey and sharing messages of their own grief and finding connection with Jonathan after hearing about what happened. And then I was interviewed by a lady from CNN about the journal, and then it got even more popularity and more people started messaging me and joining the Facebook group and talking about all the people they had lost and talking about how they were finding connection with Jonathan and people in the journal had been writing things like they had lost someone beforehand and they never really processed the grief.

Speaker 3: 52:22

and finding that journal in such a beautiful and people in the journal had been writing things like they had lost someone beforehand and they never really processed the grief. And finding that journal in such a beautiful place, it allowed them to process their grief and feel things that they hadn't been feeling for a long time Lovely.

Speaker 2: 52:36

Oh, that's so amazing. So now I have to go and follow this and I'm so excited have to go and follow this and I'm so excited.

Speaker 1: 52:50

What do you know about?

Speaker 3: 52:52

the journal's location and travels now. So after Sherry messaged me and after the journal went viral I know I got moved a couple of more times People had messaged me about it and when I was in Yellowstone. So this is going to get into a depressing bit, if that's okay, and a little bit of family drama. I'm not going to go into the family drama. That just like gives a very short description of how I was feeling at the time and just minor things that were going on. So I was in Yellowstone at the time and I got this message from someone saying hey, I found this journal. Let's ask this location. Like. They gave me the exact location of where it was and it was kind of far away from anywhere. It was far away from any major roads, it was in the back country of utah and I was familiar with the area. So I was like, okay, I'll just go down there and I'll get the journal and I'll take it to a more populated place so more people can find it and move it and so won't get lost. And as I was heading out there I was about halfway between yellowstone and utah I discovered that someone in my family was not happy with the cnn article um. I found out that actually everyone in my family was upset about the journal and the article and the story that I was sharing, and so one of my family members had posted some things and they were just pretty awful. This person was in a very bad place mentally and in a lot of pain, and I ended up being the outlet for that pain, as unfortunate as it was, and so I was extremely distressed about that, and so I ended up being like nothing matters again, feeling completely terrible, and so I abandoned my quest to go and find the journal again and I drove back to Missouri.

Speaker 3: 54:22

In the weeks following, there was a lot of rain out there in Utah and there was a lot of flash flooding and the journal had been left at a campsite next to a river and the journal was gone. The flooding had taken it away. But ultimately I think that's for the best. I think it's a good thing that I didn't move the journal Before Jonathan died.

Speaker 3: 54:44

He had talked about how he, when he died, he wanted to become a river and in a way, that journal became an extension of him, an extra part of him In a way. I think that was the ending that he deserved to be taken down the river and float out to the wilderness, out to the place that he loved, and essentially be buried by the elements, because jonathan was buried out here in missouri, um, and he was buried in a vault, a metal vault, and so his body will never return to the earth like he would have liked it to. He was a very just like, energetic person. He loved being outdoors, he loved seeing new places and in this he got the burial that he deserved.

Speaker 1: 55:28

Well, I think that's really poignant, you know. I think that the way that you talk about Jonathan's life and living and the things that he was so passionate about his love for nature and photography, and water right and to become a river ultimately at the end of his life, which was his wish is really just a beautiful way, I feel, for his memory to continue to flow through you and through all of the people who knew and loved him so much and through all of the people who knew and loved him so much.

Speaker 3: 56:06

Yeah, and there's this other thing that also goes into it Jonathan's favorite band was Lord Huron and one of his favorite songs that it's my favorite song. I had a tattoo on me, actually To the end of the earth, the end of the song. It says I'm on a river that winds on forever. Follow till I get where I'm going. Maybe I'm heading to die, but I'm still going to try. I guess I'm going alone. I think that is just such an incredible parallel between the two that Jonathan got to travel down the river and he's going down that river forever and he's just on this long journey that will never end. And thanks to all the people who have heard about his story and have felt that connection to him, they're continuing his journey down that river and they're continuing to keep him alive and keep him going in their hearts and just in that way he's never going to actually die and as long as we keep his memory alive, his journey will never end.

Speaker 1: 57:03

No, it will not. I know, too, that one of the things that Jonathan absolutely loved in his life was photography, and that you still have the pictures that he took the day of his passing on his original photography website. I've looked at them. They're absolutely beautiful, and his eye for photography is really something, and my daughter is a photographer, and so I know how meaningful and valuable and important photographs are for capturing the essence of all life, whether that's human life or the natural world, and I know that you took up photography after Jonathan passed and that's been very healing for you as well yeah.

Speaker 3: 58:34

So back in December I got my camera my first camera, after a whole bunch of people had encouraged me, because I'm always in these pretty places. They're like just get a camera so you can get good pictures of it. So I did and I've started taking pictures with it. I've been hired a couple of times now. I mostly do horses. I've traveled a lot and I have taken some pretty cool pictures of all the places I've been and in a way, I get to keep his memory alive.

Speaker 3: 58:59

And Jonathan's name of his photography business was Through Johnny's Eyes, and he loved this concept of Johnny's Eyes. He just had this idea that it was going to be bigger than just him, it was going to be bigger than just his eyes and that his business was going to grow and it would turn into like this art of storytelling and that he'd someday tell a story that would change the lives of millions of people. He wrote this down in his journal on his phone that we only got to read, finally, in december, almost exactly a year after us on, but anyways, um. So he had the concept of johnny's eyes, that it was bigger than him, and so I decided to name my photography business through johnny's eyes, because that's how I'm seeing the brave. Now, every single photo I take it's through jonathan's eyes and it it's for Jonathan and continuing his legacy and what he loved and just going out and seeing all the beautiful things in the world and trying to find the same joy in life that he did.

Speaker 2: 59:55

That's so incredible, Rebecca. I'm just like grinning ear to ear hearing you talk about this. That is the most perfect name. I love that you have continued it. It's such a beautiful mindset for you to have and for you to choose to see the world how Jonathan saw the world. It's beautiful.

Speaker 1: 1:00:20

So did you take your camera on your big jump and are you open to sharing with us about your healing jump, that that was a really big moment for you?

Speaker 3: 1:00:32

Yeah for sure. So the jump that you're talking about Rope Swing Moab is the company that does it. They are a company located in the lab. As the name says, it is a 400 foot vertical drop. They have these ropes that they place over the cliff and you just jump off of it and you plummet about 200 feet before the rope catches you and you swing over the canyon. It's all the power. It's not like a bungee board, there's nothing that drops out underneath your feet. You have to physically step off that cliff, and so I recently was on a three week trip out to the pacific northwest and, due to a complete random set of circumstances, I ended up going through utah to get out there and I was like, hey, I'm in the area I could go do this jump that I heard about, and so I managed to get last minute spot and I went there and um it was.

Speaker 3: 1:01:23

It was the most incredible thing I've ever done in my life. I've done a lot of cool things, in my opinion, but this takes the cake Forcing yourself off the cliff. It goes against every single instinct you have, like every part of your body is telling you do not step off this cliff. I'm not scared of heights. Even after Jonathan died, I had no problem being on cliff edges. I freaked my mom out quite a bit because I would constantly be on cliffs while traveling, even after it happened. But being on that cliff, it was like time sped up. I wasn't ready for it at all. I was freaking out, could barely breathe, so I got up to the edge.

Speaker 3: 1:01:59

They got me all harnessed in and I was standing there and the people who were with me that day were absolutely incredible. They one of the ladies came up cause I described what had happened and why I was there that day, and she came up and said how can we support you today and how do you want us to get help you get off the cliff? And so ultimately came up with they would count down five, four, three, two, one, and then they would say go, johnny. And I would jump off and they said go Johnny, cause Johnny was Johnson's nickname. And so they did.

Speaker 3: 1:02:34

And time sped up and all of a sudden I was stepping off that cliff and it was the most horrible thing I've ever done. It was a terrible sensation. I don't know how to step off that cliff. It felt like something just kind of pushed me. No one pushed me, but it kind of did I. So I stepped off and time just froze and for half a second I was like holy crap, I did it, um, and then I started plummeting again another sensation I'll never be able to fully describe, but in that moment nothing else really mattered, it was just me.

Speaker 3: 1:02:58

In that drive I finally swung out over the canyon and then I just started swinging around and I yelled go Jonathan. And then, while I was swinging, I said I miss you so much and I just started crying. And I was just swinging over the canyon, I was thinking about Jonathan, thinking about how much I missed him and how much I wish he was there with me, crying while dangling from a rope 200 feet above the ground. It's a different kind of healing. Um, I think I processed a lot of things I hadn't processed before in that moment. The reason why I did that jump was I wanted to understand what exactly happened with jonathan, like I wanted to know how he felt when he was falling, which some people probably want to understand. But for me, it was a closure that I needed to have. I needed to understand and I I did. And it was a closure that I needed to have. I needed to understand and I did, and it was an incredible experience.

Speaker 1: 1:03:49

It sounds like there was a piece of Jonathan that was with you and a piece of your healing journey that needed to have that closure for you to move on to what's next. Closure for you to move on to what's next. I love that you were open to sharing about that because I think for a lot of people who lose a loved one, no matter how they lose them and there's a lot of loss just in life and living, and we talk about that a lot on this podcast that you know, death isn't the only type of loss that we experience through our living. You lost not only your brother, but your best friend and kind of the stronghold in your family as well, is what I've heard. You know he was the golden retriever, energy and the glue that kind of stuck everybody together, and you've been on, as you've expressed, quite a journey over the past almost a year and a half and it sounds like that particular moment was a moment that kind of allowed you to step off and step forward to whatever is next for Rebecca.

Speaker 3: 1:05:07

Yeah, I feel like in that moment I realized that I really can't do anything and that everything is just up from here, that, no matter what happens, things will never be as bad as they were. One thing that I've learned it's okay if I go back and talk more about the journal and how it affects from it and other people. Okay, so after the journal, like I said, I was having issues with my family and I felt very alone and so I actually didn't really feel a lot of the effects from, like the good effects from people talking about it and the goodness that came from it, because a lot of people are like, oh my goodness, this is an amazing thing, this has really helped me, and I kind of the goodness that came from it, because a lot of people are like, oh my goodness, this is an amazing thing, this has really helped me, and I kind of distanced myself emotionally from it. I couldn't really feel the joy from it. I didn't feel any of the goodness. It wasn't really a good thing for me for a while because of how my family was feeling about it. And as the months went on, my family and me started running into people randomly, like on the street, just doing random things, like at the grocery store and meeting people who had heard about Jonathan's journal, and, like through sheer coincidence, I started talking and they're like, oh my goodness, that was your son, that was your brother just talking about how much the story could have helped them emotionally and just how touched they were by it.

Speaker 3: 1:06:19

The time that I finally started realizing what a good thing it was was October of last year.

Speaker 3: 1:06:26

I had gone on a trip out to Utah again and I had been up to Dinosaur National Monument and, by sheer coincidence, I was at the visitor center and there was a problem with the register and so I set my keys down on the counter and on my keychain was a picture of Jonathan and someone saw the picture and asked me about it and I was like, oh, that's my brother.

Speaker 3: 1:06:44

He died in Utah last year. He fell with and one of the rangers in the back heard it and came forward and she was like I heard that about your brother. I heard the story and it just touched me so much and my own mom died three months ago and the story of Jonathan really helped me get through that and I just finally was able to start seeing the good that came from it and realizing that this was a good thing, and realizing that this is exactly how Jonathan would want his memory to continue to go on, that he, above all else, he wants something good to come from his death, and I think a lot of good has come from his staff.

Speaker 2: 1:07:24

And that's a hard reality sometimes to talk about. Kelly and I have had conversations about the exact thing, and unless somebody's experienced some kind of loss at that level, that's hard to describe. It's a hard thing to put into words for somebody who hasn't experienced that, but I can relate to that. That resonates with me. I can find myself being very grateful for the 17 years I had with my mom before she died and a certain number of years with a friend or another family member. You know, whatever it is where it doesn't matter how much time we get with somebody, it's never enough time with the people that we love, right? And so I know you wish you would have had Jonathan for a whole lot longer than you did. His young life was cut very short, but it is important to find the gratitude in their life and to continue to remember that after they're gone.

Speaker 1: 1:08:37

Rebecca, as we come to the end of our conversation, which could go on for hours, and there's so many things that we could talk about, but as we come to the end of our conversation today, is there anything that you wish people understood about grief, and even about navigating grief with honoring your own emotional or mental health challenges? Because you've been very open and honest about that, which we really appreciate.

Speaker 3: 1:09:11

So grief is something that you have to experience to know what it is really, and everyone's going to experience it differently. And, going into grief, you have these expectations because there's all this media and portrayals of how grief affects someone and how it should affect you and how you should deal with it, but there is no right or wrong answer to any of it and grief isn't linear. There's people who will talk about the stages of grief, but they will not happen consecutively. They will not happen how you expect them to. There will be a lot of emotions that you think you're dealing with but you aren't, and there will be emotions that express themselves in other ways. For one example, anger.

Speaker 3: 1:09:51

That has been a really big one with me personally.

Speaker 3: 1:09:54

For a long time.

Speaker 3: 1:09:55

I was really angry about what happened, but I couldn't be angry at Jonathan, and so I put that anger into other things and past traumas and past issues in my life and they didn't express themselves very well and I didn't express my anger very well, and it took me a really long time to get to the bottom of those feelings and realizing that it was okay to be angry at jonathan and it was okay to be angry about the situation and it was okay to be angry, just to be angry about it, and so I think anger is a very important part of grief and, again, it's never going to present itself how you expect it to. I think the best advice I can give people is to just experience it to the fullest. Don't try to tap down the emotions. I highly recommend finding a therapist to help deal with it, because it's extremely complicated and no one is prepared. Help deal with it, because it's extremely complicated and no one is prepared to deal with it, and having someone to help me with it made a world of a difference for me.

Speaker 1: 1:10:53

Love that. I do too. I absolutely love that. What brings you the most peace and joy today as you reflect on your life with Jonathan and his life, and looking ahead to the future?

Speaker 3: 1:11:11

Things that bring me peace with it is just knowing that Jonathan lived such a good life. He was only here for a short amount of time, but in that time he was just so alive, and I think that is a very good example that he set for all of us, and that is how I want to continue to live my life.

Speaker 3: 1:11:28

I want to live every day like it's my last which is cliche to say, but it's so true and I just want to experience life to the fullest and if that means fully experiencing all those terrible emotions, then I will gladly do it. I will never stop missing Jonathan and I will never stop being sad about what happened and I wish it had never happened. But I am grateful for the way that everything happened and I am grateful for who I've become as a person and how my feelings and my grief and my journey has shaped who I am, and I'm grateful for the path that it set me on and that I get to continue to live and see this beautiful world and see all these beautiful places and experience all these amazing things.

Speaker 2: 1:12:15

And that you get to do it now, through Johnny's eyes, right With your photography business. I love that so much, your photography business. I love that so much. Rebecca. How can we and our listeners continue to stay connected to you and to this story of Jonathan's now that you know the journal has gone on the journey that it has, but with your budding photography business, is that something that you're making public? Are you going to continue to have a presence within the Facebook group or TikTok?

Speaker 3: 1:12:55

I would like to. My photography will be public on Facebook and people are free to follow me there and free to follow my TikTok, because I do occasionally post things. But I've gotten enough attention from Jonathan's staff and this is way more than me. It's everyone everyone who's heard about his journey and journal and I think the best way to stay connected with Jonathan and his story is to just keep on living life for him and remembering him and going out of your way to do good things for other people. I think that is the best way to share love for him, if that makes any sense.

Speaker 2: 1:13:31

It makes perfect sense and it's beautiful and admirable, and I am grateful that we get to play a small role in continuing Jonathan's legacy. So thank you for sharing so much of yourself and for sharing so much of Jonathan with us. It's a true beauty from ashes type of story, right when it's just we're never prepared to say goodbye to the ones that we love. But you have continued to build and create a really beautiful legacy in Jonathan's honor and I know that he would be so incredibly proud of you and how you've chosen to live your life and how you've chosen to remember and honor him. And so I see it. I know that Kelly sees it and I know that our listeners will see and hear about it, but I'm really proud of you and I'm really grateful for your trust in us with your story today.

Speaker 3: 1:14:39

I am just so thankful that you guys reached out, that I was able to share this with you guys and I've loved listening to your podcast. The past week I've listened to it and it's it's been really good listening to you guys and I've learned a lot and I felt like I've really connected with you two in your story as well.

Speaker 1: 1:14:56

Well, thank you. That means the world to us. We really really appreciate that. So, because you've listened, you know what's coming. We do ask all of our guests if they have a unique or similar PIG, because you've heard the story about how we named the podcast, what we did, it's not the pig, it's the PIG, but it's in honor of our pigs, because our mom collected them. But our mission and purpose, intention and gratitude for not only all the guests that we have on, but all the people who have made such an impact on our lives and even allowed this journey to be possible, including our mom. So if you have a PIG, we'd love to hear it.

Speaker 3: 1:15:48

Yeah, so my PIG is to see the world through Jonathan's eyes and experience all the things you never got to do. It's a beautiful world we live in and I am the luckiest person on the planet because I get to see it. Wow, thank you, rebecca, for sharing again.

Speaker 2: 1:16:01

Wow. Thank you, rebecca, for sharing again so much of yourself and your brother and your story. We appreciate it. We're grateful for you.

Speaker 3: 1:16:15

Again, I am very grateful that you guys had me on here and took the time to talk to me. I was able to talk about things I've never really put into words before, so that was really good for me, thank you.

Speaker 2: 1:16:21

That's really beautiful.

Speaker 1: 1:16:22

Exactly See, it was all meant to be Well, rebecca, please stay in close touch and we'll put the links to TikTok, to Jonathan's journal Journey and also Jonathan's website in our show notes, and we hope to have you back again and we would really love to keep this conversation going and growing. Absolutely, I look forward to it. That sounds awesome. Hearing the stories of others helps us create a more meaningful connection to our own. We hope today's conversation offered you insight, encouragement or even just a moment to pause and reflect on the story you're living and the legacy you're creating.

Speaker 2: 1:17:27

If something in this episode moved you, please consider sharing it with someone you love. A small share can make a big impact.

Speaker 1: 1:17:33

You can also join us on Instagram, facebook or LinkedIn and connect further at thepigpodcastcom, and if you're enjoying this podcast, one of the most meaningful ways you can support us is by leaving a five-star rating, writing a short review or simply letting us know your thoughts. Your feedback helps us reach others and reminds us why we do this work, because the PIG isn't just a podcast.

Speaker 2: 1:17:59

It's a place to remember that, even in the midst of grief, life goes on. Resilience matters and love never leaves. Thanks for being on this journey with us, until next time. Hogs and kisses everyone.